wait, isn't it a wicked good bar? where is this guy from?
My kid has conjunctivitis and the only thing keeping me sane is...
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Hey guys. I went and it was everything I expected and more. He went as Hulk Hogan and was his usual hilarious self. I introduced him to this band I'm really into called the Bombpops, and he was surprisingly into it (women led punk band, didn't expect that to be his taste). I'll have a more detailed write up in a few days. I was a zombie most of yesterday and it being a busy time academically/being a parent I want to do this ethnographic account of my aging Italian neighbors dope Halloween party justice.
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Hey guys. I went and it was everything I expected and more. He went as Hulk Hogan and was his usual hilarious self. I introduced him to this band I'm really into called the Bombpops, and he was surprisingly into it (women led punk band, didn't expect that to be his taste). I'll have a more detailed write up in a few days. I was a zombie most of yesterday and it being a busy time academically/being a parent I want to do this ethnographic account of my aging Italian neighbors dope Halloween party justice.
I appreciate the commitment. I would absolutely prefer a fully detailed account later than a half-hearted highlights account now. Will look forward to it.
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7:15pm – 8:00pm
This is probably the most boring chapter, but it gets better. My wife and I arrive. We’re some of the first people there (4-5 other people there) and immediately, I notice Hilarious Italian Neighbor (hereon in: HIN) dressed up as Hulk Hogan. He’s got the Hulkamania shirt, the title belt, bandana, and everything. He greets us in the Hulk Hogan voice and insists on getting us drinks. We have Heineken’s because of course. His wife comes over and is dressed up as Elvira. I notice their dog isn’t there, and neither are the kids. We’re informed the dog is staying overnight at the dog boarding place because for wild parties like this he doesn’t want their dog to be scared or injured.
Say what you want about party animal HIN, but he’s a good dog owner. I mentioned that my wife and call it “dog jail” when we have our dog boarded. He found this phrase hilarious and decided he would be adopting it. I’ve never actually been in his home before, so we’re given the tour. During the tour he also mentions his high school aged kids are staying over at friend's house (read: drinking at an underaged party). At this point, he tells us to look at this small relic/statue of some Italian Saint, and his wife tells us about her. I don’t really remember the story because something happens. I’m tapped on the shoulder and am handed a Smirnoff Ice bottle that is lukewarm.
“BRO YOU JUST GOT FREAKIN’ ICED HAHAHA!” proclaims HIN.
I’m not sure where the hell he was hiding it, and to be honest I don’t want to know. Also, I thought this fad died like 9 years ago? Whatever. I take a knee and chug the Smirnoff Ice. It was black cherry. Never had it before. Not terrible. He reveals it was strapped to his inner thigh and is glad to have gotten it out because it was making his “fellas” cold. I inform him that he could have just used a room temperature one. He mentions that’s a good idea and that’s why I’m the professor.
We go back downstairs and this guy down the block, Lincoln, arrives. He’s dressed as the God damn Hamburgler, so it was hard to take him seriously. Anyway, HIN’s wife and my wife are talking work stuff (both work in Health Care at the same hospital but just on different units/floors). HIN, Lincoln, and I are talking football and baseball. Not much happens until 8:00pm.
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8:00pm (ish) – 9:00pm
Shortly after 8:00pm, I’ve had a Heineken, Smirnoff Ice, and now I’m working on a local IPA I brought to the party. Feeling pretty good right now. But then, guess who arrives? That’s right, Italian The Mountain, and he’s dressed as Andre the Giant! HIN gets excited and loud (er than usual), and into character, letting Italian The Mountain know he’s going to let Hulkamania run wild on him. Italian The Mountain body slams him onto a couch and both have a huge laugh. Somebody says HIN has to bodyslam Italian The Mountain.
“Yeah I ain’t freakin’ body slamming his giant ass. Bro just let me do the leg drop and we’ll take some Jameson shots! HIN states.
And he does the leg drop. The pin! 1… 2… 3…! Everyone cheers! I do the ring announcer thing and say “Here is your winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion, Hulk Hogan!” and raise his hand in victory. HIN goes over to the laptop that has the music playing here and turns on the Hulk Hogan theme. We strike poses to this theme and then like six of us do Jameson shots.
We’re shooting the stuff a bit; I explain my costume to somebody dressed as a vampire who just thought I was a mad scientist. They’ve never seen the show Rick and Morty. HIN is aware of it but has only seen it in passing when his kid is watching it. I show him the “that’s just slavery with extra steps” clip and the “let me out” dance from tiny Rick. HIN and the other guy dressed as a vampire enjoy it immensely and are now going to start watching it. More chatter, I finish my IPA.
Time for another Heineken. I’ve got a really good buzz going on right now. I mention I am disappointed that “Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi hasn’t come on the playlist just yet. He tells me “Well bro I’m gonna change that right now!” On comes Satisfaction and he grooves out to it with a Heineken in hand. My biggest regret in life now is that I did not get video footage of this.
Shortly after that my wife and I are challenged to a game of beer pong against HIN and Italian The Mountain. In this game, I’m drinking all the beer because my wife is going to head out early just so that one of us isn’t dead/something happened to our kid in the middle of the night. Italian The Mountain does not like beer, so he’s just drinking whiskey and water.
We beat them like they owed us money at beer pong. I think they landed two shots. I mentioned to Italian The Mountain that Andre the Giant once drank like 100 beers in one sitting so he’s got to at least have some. At which point he just inhales the leftover beer from the game. He remarks once again that he does not like beer. HIN refers to him as a misogynistic slur.
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9:00pm (ish) – 10:30pm (ish)
I slow it down with some water and my wife does too. Now we’re talking to HIN’s wife, and another woman dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl about kids. They found it adorable that my kid has picked up on the word “uh oh.” For example, he’ll throw a tennis ball and say “uh oh!” and we’re like “hey that’s not how that word works buddy!” HIN’s wife leaves to go get some wine so we’re in a conversation with Catholic schoolgirl lady. Her kids are at her ex-husband’s for the weekend. She’s pretty drunk and is going on and on and on about him. We’re trapped. At this point, my wife, planning to leave anyway, has our kid and babysitter as an excuse. Something along the lines of “Hey the babysitter is off duty soon so I’m headed back home. Nice to meet you (lady whose name I don’t remember)! See you at home, don’t stay out too late.”
So now I’m stuck in this conversation with this lady who just won’t stop talking at me about how much her ex-husband sucks. I don’t disagree based on what she was saying, but you’re killing my buzz!
Thankfully, I am saved by HIN who busts into the conversation and say “Yo bro! What are you doing with that water it’s time for some Jagerbombs! Hey how you doin’ (whatever her name was)?” He practically drags me away to the kitchen to do Jagerbombs. I don’t particularly want to do Jagerbombs, but if my options are have a stranger rant at me about their ex or do a Jagerbomb… I’m taking the Jagerbomb.
So we get about six people in the room to do some Jagerbombs.
“What are we cheersing to?” asks Lincoln dressed as the f**king Hamburgler.
I parrot the classic Simpsons like “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
“HAHAHAHA BRO THAT’S THE BEST f**king TOAST I’VE EVER HEARD!” says HIN.At which point, we do a Jagerbomb. I guess it was a modified Jagerbomb because we used ginger ale instead of red bull? I don’t know, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had one prior to tonight. It wasn’t particularly good. Some people stuck around to do another but I think HIN could tell by the look on my face I was good with just one. I grabbed another one of my local IPAs
My wife had texted me shortly thereafter “Sorry that I slipped out and left you there, but I really did need to get home. Hope you have a good night with our crazy neighbor!”
Anyway, I’m definitely feeling REALLY good now and mention the “bomb” in the drink title reminded me of a band I really like called The Bombpops. I play “CA in July” by the group. I guess I should have figured HIN wouldn’t care for it, but I was drunk. Surprisingly he digged it. I again really wouldn’t have pegged HIN to like a woman fronted pop punk band, but you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. He later remarked that he would like to make the beast with two backs with the brunette in the band. …Maybe you can judge a book by its cover.
I walk past Lincoln who is finishing up one of his beers and offer him one of my local IPAs. He says that’s nice of me and accepts my offer and I let him know I think his Halloween costume is a very specific, but hilarious choice. He says he’s been going as the Hamburgler any time there is a Halloween party/event/etc. for like 10 years and why bother getting a new costume that he’ll wear once? Fair point.
Also at this point, when we get back to where my beer is and, I can’t explain this, but HIN is just MOWING down a GIANT piece of pizza. I have absolutely NO idea where the hell he got it from. In retrospect I probably should have asked. Surprisingly nobody else notices this or finds it odd that he just made a piece of pizza appear out of thin air.
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10:30pm (ish) – 12:15am (ish)
The online BAC calculator suggests my BAC at this time would be about 2x the legal driving limit. As such, I feel about as good as the nerd character from the movie “Can’t Hardly Wait” at the party. As a side note, I made a topic about watching that movie on here a few weeks back. It’s such a fun movie, definitely recommend.The highlight of my experience with HIN at this party happened here. There’s random chatter going on, HIN turned off the music temporarily, and people, myself included, are watching random youtube videos on the television in the living room. Just then, I feel a rumble in my tummy, and head to the bathroom upstairs, assuming it will be private.
I’m playing a game on my phone and taking a truly epic dump. I’m a little spacey due to the booze and being into the game on my phone. Suddenly…
BOOM! The door is kicked open
“HEY BRO IF YOU TAKE A s**t YOU GOTTA GIVE IT BACK HAHAHA!” shouts HIN next to some dude in a devil costume who has a look on his face like “Oh my God he actually did it.”
He closes the door. I take a moment to process what just happened. In any other situation, and if any other person did that to me, I’d be furious. But the sheer wit and absurdity of the situation made actually okay with it. I finish my business, in peace, and return downstairs. I grab some water. HIN has a HUGE grin on his face. I tell him that was pretty clever and unexpected so I can’t even be mad. He’s close to, if not, funhammered. He starts bragging to the guy in the devil costume about how awesome and smart I am like I’m his son or something. Was pretty funny.
HIN wants to do more shots. HIN’s wife appears to be trapped in a conversation with Catholic schoolgirl lady. I don’t need more shots, so I go over by HIN’s wife to maybe bail her out and tell her the party has been fun.
BUT HIN’S WIFE OKIE DOKES ME AND LEAVES THE CONVERSATION!
So now I’m trapped in a conversation with Catholic schoolgirl lady again, and surprise, after about 40 seconds it devolves into a conversation about her ex. She starts to get overly touchy feely. I constantly mention my wife (and seriously you met her like 2 or 3 hours ago, wtf, though I’m not certain we introduced each other as married to one another but come on it’s super obvious). After I make it clear I’m married and uncomfortable, she like does a robotic and awkward 180, sees this younger guy (late 20’s I’d guess) HIN works with (I think?) dressed a gladiator and just starts chatting him up. I stand there for a second processing this really bizarre interaction, head into the kitchen to have one last light beer.
The music is back on at this point. There’s a dance battle going on between devil guy and a guy dressed as Buddy the Elf. Buddy the Elf is actually pretty good at dancing, devil guy… let’s just say he has no rhythm. HIN gets in the circle as some drum and bass song is on. So now it’s Buddy the Elf versus HIN. I’m biased here, but I have to give the victory to HIN.
I see Lincoln again and remark I’m surprised we’re both still here. He says as soon as I finish his drink he’s going home (his kids are in elementary school but still kids so no super late nights for him either). I’m in the same boat. Lincoln heads out, and I finish my drink. I look for HIN who appears to be holding a can of something not beer. I ask him what it is and he tells me it’s silly string. I ask him who he’s planning to get with it and when to which he says “BRO YOU’LL SEE!”
I let him know that I will, in fact, not see, as I need to get some sleep. He is disappointed but understands that I need to leave. He lets me know what when I’m walking the dog/kid tomorrow, he’ll tell me all about his silly string antics.
“ALRIGHT BRO, STAY BLACK,” he says to me as I leave, somebody who is as white as the day is long.
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12:35am
I am home. Having greeted my dog, chugged an entire gatorade, grabbed a giant glass of water, changed into bedtime clothes, and quickly brushed my teeth and washed my face, I now lay down to bed. No trouble falling asleep.
4:30pm, Sunday afternoon.
I’m walking my kid and dog and he is getting rid of some of the fall foliage on his front lawn. He greets us and told us the party was “a great freakin’ time” and hoped I had fun. I said I did, but I only just started to feel normal around like 2pm. I then asked about the silly string, to which he tells me…
“Hahaha, yeah. So I was waiting for my boy Italian The Mountain to take a dump, and when he did, I come in and I say ‘Yo did you know Hulk Hogan is also Spiderman?!’ and unloaded like half the can on him, hahaha. Yeah, he uh, didn’t like that too much.”
I say that’s funny and he knows how the throw one heck of a party, then tell him I’ll catch him around and continue my walk.
** Credits roll to the theme of “I Walked In” by Brougham. **
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“He’s dressed as the God damn Hamburgler” made me laugh and snort for some reason.
“So it was hard to take him seriously.” Wait, others are dressed as Hulk Hogan and Catholic Schoolgirl and you were taking them seriously!?
Anyway, your story is awesome. I love it.
He�s dressed as the God damn Hamburgler, so it was hard to take him seriously.
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�He�s dressed as the God damn Hamburgler� made me laugh and snort for some reason.
�So it was hard to take him seriously.� Wait, others are dressed as Hulk Hogan and Catholic Schoolgirl and you were taking them seriously!?
Anyway, your story is awesome. I love it.
He?s dressed as the God damn Hamburgler, so it was hard to take him seriously.Fair enough. I can't really take HIN seriously because, well, you've read about his antics. So it's a given. The other lady I could because I didn't know her and she kind of fit a certain type of person: a divorcee who is looking for a relationship and can't stop talking about their ex.
With Lincoln, it just doesn't fit his personality. Two other points as well: he went dressed as the guy who steals hamburgers for a living and I feel like going as the Hamburglar as somebody above the age of about 8 is just odd. Second, whenever I see the Hamburglar I think of the Simpsons episode where Homer goes to clown college and beats up the Krystyburglar and the kid says, while crying "Stop, stop, he's already dead!"
And I guess it's just a fairly niche costume. Have any of you seen somebody go as the Hamburglar to an adult Halloween party? I can't say I have.
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8624 here: Dude, I’m not complaining. I thought both parts of that quote were hilarious, each for it’s own reason. Thank you!
?He?s dressed as the God damn Hamburgler? made me laugh and snort for some reason.
?So it was hard to take him seriously.? Wait, others are dressed as Hulk Hogan and Catholic Schoolgirl and you were taking them seriously!?
Anyway, your story is awesome. I love it.
He?s dressed as the God damn Hamburgler, so it was hard to take him seriously.
Fair enough. I can't really take HIN seriously because, well, you've read about his antics. So it's a given. The other lady I could because I didn't know her and she kind of fit a certain type of person: a divorcee who is looking for a relationship and can't stop talking about their ex.
With Lincoln, it just doesn't fit his personality. Two other points as well: he went dressed as the guy who steals hamburgers for a living and I feel like going as the Hamburglar as somebody above the age of about 8 is just odd. Second, whenever I see the Hamburglar I think of the Simpsons episode where Homer goes to clown college and beats up the Krystyburglar and the kid says, while crying "Stop, stop, he's already dead!"
And I guess it's just a fairly niche costume. Have any of you seen somebody go as the Hamburglar to an adult Halloween party? I can't say I have. -
Haven't had many funny interactions with him lately. I saw him while walking my kid and dog yesterday and just said a brief hello. He's not staying in town for Thanksgiving so I won't potentially witness potential relatives being hilarious and pounding Heinekens. :(